Updated: Jul 17
"Sometimes the most uncomfortable learning is the most powerful.” Unknown
How can you look at your breakup as an opportunity when it feels like someone cut your leg off and ripped out your heart?
Breakups can be rough. When you open yourself up to another person, love them unconditionally, and compromise your own needs for the “betterment of the relationship,” you put yourself all-in. It’s no surprise that you feel lost, confused, and unwilling to move on when that connection is torn away from you.
Breakups have taught me something that I never learned in school: I’ve learned that losing love is hard. Brutally hard. I experienced more pain after the toughest breakup of my life than completing an ironman with nothing less than will and determination.
When I lost my soulmate I didn’t know how I was going to move on, none no idea, I was scared, alone and lost for answers, I needed some sort of peace in the breakup but I wasn’t getting it, just more questions.
At first, I didn’t. I did everything I could do to escape, suppress, and avoid my feelings. I wasn’t nice to my body. I cried in the shower!! Yes I’m ok with this. I even cried mid run, just pulled over and let it all out.
This was my “grieving period.” We all need one after a breakup which was very confronting. But although we all grieve in different ways it is important to feel these emotions rather then bottling them up as more baggage for the future….
The road to recovery wasn’t easy. There were many ups and downs. But I stayed focused on letting go and moving on in the healthiest way I could.
My ex and I both went through a cycle called ‘familiar pain”. familiar pain being we preferred to argue, fight, be hurt, not receive the things we deserve or want, than experience ‘unfamiliar pain”. That means feeling the pain of an actual breakup. This went on and on and was extremely unhealthy for the both of us!!
As I’m recovering from my breakup, I do a lot of “re framing.” I tried looking at things through new perspectives so I could develop more understanding and empathy, for my ex and for myself. Today, with the benefit of hindsight, I can put my finger on an idea, or re-frame, that helped me start moving on faster:
"You are exactly where you need to be"
I said goodbye to my ex, my old life, and my future that I thought was going to be. It was hard. It was probably one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to but I’m starting to be a better version of myself, learning to selfheal, find real meaning and I learned a lot while training to be a Health and Wellness Coach, It was something a I was already looking for, so I can give back in a field I’m passionate about.
I ride past the spot where we first met occasionally and I don’t feel sadness now, I see this incredible joy of experiencing this amazing human for a period of time in my life that I’m so fortunate to have …
Breakups are hard Yes! but its in the space between the love we’ve lost and the love we hope to find is where we meet ourselves…..
this journey is called finding our inner selves!!! Time with ourselves, Enjoying our own company as hard as that may be, finding joy in being present.
First, a breakup is the end. Accept it.. Because if your mind is set on getting your ex back, this is not your new beginning. At best it’s a rerun of the same show that’s been playing for too long cycling through unless there is something you both can change or grow together or work on its just time to leave.
But just because you accept this as the end of your relationship doesn’t make it a negative experience.
When one door closes another opens. You just have the guts to lock the old door behind you and walk through the new one.
Its an opportunity to:
Do things you wanted to do for a long time but hadn’t because you had a partner to consider in every decision you made.
Peel back the layers and look inside your self to see where it was going wrong my romantic relationships, and most importantly, how you improve.
Reconnect with friends and family who had been relegated to the sidelines.
Inspire other people to get over their breakups without the typical clichés and bad advice.
Let’s face it Im a male and we find it difficult to articulate and communicate our feelings sometimes and we just don’t want to but you’re here because you may be interested in self-improvement and self-growth so go on a journey toward becoming a better version of yourself. That’s why if you’re struggling to let go and move on after a breakup, you need to reframe it right now so you can continue on your journey.
You need to tell yourself this is your opportunity to become better. This is your chance to fix things that went wrong in your past relationship (s) so next time you don’t end up with a partner who isn’t right for you.
Remember, relationships end for a reason.
You and your ex had your problems. Sure, you had love and a deep connection, but did you also have rock-solid communication, clear boundaries, and unwavering honesty? Did you share the same core values?
I’ll say it again: relationships end for a reason. And when it happens, it’s okay. Your ex wasn’t the only person on the planet who is capable of loving you. On the contrary, if you use your breakup as an opportunity to improve things about yourself, you will attract a partner with whom you’ll find so much more love and connection that you’ll wonder how you lasted as long as you did in your past relationship.
That’s what life is all about. None of us get things right on the first go. Finding a soul mate is no different than learning a new language or getting in shape. You have to practice. Look at your ex and breakup as a practice round. Because of that relationship, you’re stronger, smarter, and more prepared for the next one.
This is your time. It’s your opportunity to sort through your past relationship issues and figure out how to be better.
Because no matter what, we all play a role in our breakups. Even if you were lied to, cheated on, duped, or betrayed, you still played a role. That might be hard to hear, but it’s true. My mom always said, “It takes two to tango.” And my mom ain’t no fool.
I had to get comfortable with my role in my breakup, too. I was no angel.
I had to accept that I hadn’t been true to my core values. Still, I put that to the side because we were in love. I also realized I had a lingering fear of not being good enough. I was still battling with co-dependency, insecurity issues, need for validation and even though I thought I’d left them behind in an earlier long-term marriage. It wasn’t easy accepting those things about myself, but when I did I knew exactly where the nuts and bolts needed to be tightened. And I got to work.
Looking in the mirror and accepting the not-so-good things about ourselves is difficult. People resist peeling back the layers of their personality because it means leaving themselves vulnerable and exposed.
But you’re different. You understand the importance and power of vulnerability. And your breakup is the best chance you might ever have to rebuild yourself in the image that makes you feel like the confident champion you dream of being.
I know your breakup sucks. I know you miss your ex and still have love for them. I know it’s hard looking to the future and wondering if you’ll ever meet your true soul mate.
the greatest opportunities for growth in our lives come when we’re the most uncomfortable. And a tough breakup takes us way outside our comfort zones.
That discomfort is your opportunity. Accept it, embrace it, and cherish it. Big breakups don’t come around often. This is an exciting time! You’ve proven to yourself that you’re brave enough to take a risk on love. Just because the relationship is over doesn’t take away that bravery. Now it’s time to be courageous in the face of adversity.
And guess what? If you can shake off your breakup in a productive, healthy way, it’ll build new skills and resilience for the next time a difficult, unexpected life event happens. Jobs will be lost. Friends will drift away. People will die. Change is inevitable in your life. Now is your opportunity to prepare yourself for those times that will come whether you like it or not.
A breakup is your opportunity to show everyone around you—friends, family, colleagues—how gritty you can be. It’s going to be hard work. It’s never easy coming to terms with our limiting beliefs, fears, and ghosts in our closets.
You have an important choice to make:
You can choose to sit in your basement waiting for “time to heal” and hoping that by some miracle you’ll get better.
Or you can choose to look at your breakup as an opportunity to improve the way you show up in your relationships and life so you can attract the right type of people into your life.
You will let go and you will move on. But you have to start, today. The last thing you want is to look back on this moment and realize you waited too long to accept this as your opportunity. Time is too precious to waste feeling stuck.
Yours in Health and Wellness